Reaches My Reaching....

Since last Sunday the words to a hymn have been playing over in my mind.  I had heard the song before, many times - in fact it is one of my favorite hymns.  Where can I turn for peace?  A question I have asked myself more times than I could count.   Over the years as I have sang this song I have sang it as a pleading prayer to feel peace and find understanding.  I have felt that despite these silent and sometimes verbal pleas, I fall short of obtaining and feeling peace. 

For the last several years, I have worked tirelessly to achieve peace, to be able to find comfort in times of need, and to seek and find understanding with God.  I have read talks, studied, met with my Bishops, discussed it with other leaders and friends, gone to counseling…. I have tired to improve my brain's ability to discern and hold on to positive things.  While it may seem extreme, I know that for me, this is a necessity.  I ache to feel God's love for me.  I yearn for peace in my mind.  I am desperate to feel my prayers are heard and to see answers.  The reason that this song resonates with me is because I feel on a regular basis, the first 2 verses of this song are written about my life… they are my feelings on paper.

Where can I turn for peace?

Where is my solace

When other sources cease to make me whole?

When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,

I draw myself apart,

Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows,

Where, when I languish,

Where, in my need to know, where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand? ….

So last Sunday, as usual, I heard these words but more importantly I felt these words.  I know the song well.  I know the rest of the song, and I knew what the next line was -

He, only One.

That's the answer.  I know it is the answer, I've always known it was the answer.  That's why I have worked so hard to learn and to figure out what it is that prevents me from achieving the promised blessings in the end of this song. 

He answers privately….

Gentle the peace….

Constant he is and kind,

Love without end.

On this day however, there was a new line that stood out to me.  I've sang it a million times, but I've never contemplated what it is saying. 

Reaches my reaching

These words all week haven't left my head.  HE reaches MY reaching.  I am reaching to Him.  My reaching though, it isn't enough.  I can't reach far enough.  I'm not enough.  So He reaches for me, He completes the connection.  I pictured a little toddler, perhaps still unable to speak - standing at the foot of their parents and reaching up their arms to signal their desire to be picked up and held - the parent reaching their arms down to meet the outstretched arms of the reaching child…

Today in sacrament meeting this song, still on my mind, ended up being our rest hymn.  It was again today that this song gained even more meaning to me.  I noticed more clearly the next line, "In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend."

A really good friend shared an experience with me last week.  She told me about a fireside she had just attended where the speaker pointed out that Jesus Christ, The Son Of God, was not mortal.  However, there was only one time where Christ drew upon his immortal powers and that was in the Garden.  A mortal being wouldn't have survived bleeding from every pore.  The human body would not be able to withstand such extreme pain for even a short time before passing out.  Through all of what the Savior suffered that night, he only drew upon those powers to be able to continue on and suffer more. 

I had heard that Christ suffered for me individually before.  I believe this to be true, but I don't know how much I understand it.  I do know that this beautiful message shared with me earlier this week gives me added confidence that it is true Christ suffered for me individually, and He intended to do so, He made sure that it happened. 

I know where to turn for peace and I am learning to believe that because of his willingness to suffer on my behalf, I can find private answers if I turn to Him because he knows how to reach me on an individual basis.  While in my Gethsemane, I have a Savior, a friend and he will reach my reaching, I just have to extend my arms. 

Where Can I Turn For Peace?  Hymn 129

https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/where-can-i-turn-for-peace?lang=eng

Honestly I .... Found A Life Lesson On My Way Home

Tonight while driving home from work, there was a bit of fog.  The closer I got to my destination the more dense the fog became.  I was able to see just enough to navigate the dark roads with the help of my headlights and fog lights.  Outside their range however, there could have been a purple giraffe and I wouldn't have been able to see it. 

Eventually as I got closer to a more populated area there were more traffic lights, then street lamps, and eventually more traffic.  The more sources of light, the better my visibility.  The fog was still there,  but the lights helped to cut through it. 

I arrived at the grocery store, ran a few errands and then continued my journey home.  The further from the shopping center I got, the number of lights lessened again for a time. 

I had a few thoughts and made some observations during this last stretch of my drive. 

First, as much as I love fog (and all other inclement weather for that matter) it is very unsettling.  I think it plays with your mind a little bit.  Your normal senses are altered to some degree.  While your vision is greatly decreased beyond what you know it would typically be, other senses seem to be heightened.  It is natural I think to feel anxiety about what lies ahead of you in the haze.  Is there something in the road that I won't be able to see in time?  Do I know where I am? 

My second observation was that, as vital and as wonderful as my headlights were, they could only help me to see so much.  The more lights that surrounded me, the less anxiety I had.  I could see further, and I knew exactly where I was. 

So here is where I take this drive home and my wandering thoughts and apply it back to my life trying to be like all those really cool people who find gems like this all the time.

I don't know about you but I have no idea what lies ahead of me in this life.  I don't even have a decent 5 year plan - not that those work out anyway.  I have no idea what tomorrow could really bring for me.  Sure, I have some goals, I have dreams and hopes but I REALLY don't know what is coming down the tracks.  My line of sight is blurred at best.  For most of my life I have driven the road alone relying solely on my own ever dimming lights.  It's not that there weren't other ways I could have traveled that would have been better lit, but they weren't the paths I took.  I figured that was the way I was meant to travel. 

It wasn't until the last few years that I began to find more lights along my path.  Some of them were new, others had been there all along but just out of my sight - Those, I should have been able to see sooner but I was limiting how much I could see.  The point is- Had I made it this far on my own, relying on my own light?  To some degree, Yes.  (Was I as alone as I thought, no, but that is a different post for a later time.)  I am alive.  I am a fairly responsible person and I like to believe that I am a decent, loving person.  However do I have less anxiety as I navigate my path ow lit by others?  Absolutely. 

I think that several points can be drawn from this. 

-Sometimes we travel by just a few lights.  We may mostly be relying on our own light.  How important is it in those moments that our light be as strong as it can possibly be?  The last thing you want is to have it die while you are alone and lost in the haze. 

-How much easier is it when you allow additional light in - when you travel in well lit areas?  Spending time with others who's light shines bright and strong, can only help and strengthen you.

I may not know what lies ahead.  I do know however, that I need to watch my own light source.  I need to keep it as strong as possible.  I need to learn to rely on it, to rely on myself and trust in my own strength.  There may be moments along the way where I will need to be ready to light my own path.  Even better, I can hopefully help light another's path as I know I am blessed to have others around me who help show me the way.  They are there if I turn to them.  They won't let me down.  They love me and want to help me.  If my own light is dimming, I can trust that they will be there as I struggle to find my way again. 

I know there is one light that will always shine far brighter than the rest.  It's the light that will be there no matter what as long as I allow it.  It is the light of Christ.  Ultimately it's the light I see shining through all the others along my path and the light that I hope shines from me as well.  His light has the power to cut through the most dense fog and the darkest night.  Both things I have experienced more than I'd like, but I'm learning it is okay because light always wins.... eventually.

The fog doesn't have to be intimidating.  Like me, you can find it to be awe inspiring.  Especially if there is plenty of light around you. 

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Honestly I.... Didn't Want To Serve In Primary

Honestly I…. Didn't want to be called to the Primary.

I have had a handful of callings over the years and almost all of them have been in the Primary.  Most recently I had one of the easiest callings you could probably have - I coordinated the Sacrament meeting programs.  10 minutes on the computer each week, 10 minutes making copies and I was done.  As small as the calling may seem, I found I felt very appreciated and valued as I did my little task each week. 

2 weeks ago, I was asked to go and meet with one of the counselors in the Bishopric.  For those of you who have been in this spot, you know there is only one reason why you would be receiving such a phone call.  I was pretty surprised to even get the initial text.  Why on earth would they be giving me a different calling?  I had the calling I was doing for a very specific reason, it had been hand picked for me by the Bishop to ensure that I had the freedom and ability to attend a singles ward as often as I wanted to.  I was so confused when I was asked later that morning to be a primary teacher.  Where did that come from!?!?  Not only did it mean that I would need to be at my ward EVERY week and for all 3 hours but it contradicted the plans that I had discussed with the Bishop at length…..

I asked this bishopric member why me?  I know his answer was based more on personality than anything but he said to me "If you are going to be going to another ward than you can just move your records and have a calling there…. But you have been here every week for a long time so the Bishop just figured if you are going to be here we could use you."  Now at the time that was NOT what I needed to hear.  I stress that it isn't his fault, he doesn't know me and my circumstances.  To anyone who doesn't know me and my reasons for being in that ward I'm sure they wonder why I'm still there given my move out of the boundaries over a year ago.  He also made it so cut and dry…. It's simple, are you going to do it or not?  I felt trapped and I began to panic.  It wasn't a simple question.  I had a billion and one concerns.  I told him I'd do it but left with a knot in my stomach.  I was taught to never turn down a calling.  I understand the reason for this counsel.  I know that the Lord sees far beyond my own line of sight and I can't comprehend what lies ahead so who am I to say the direction I'm being asked to take is wrong.  It just didn't make sense though and honestly I was saying yes because I felt I had to …. And I wasn't happy about it.  

*Brace yourself to be exposed to the deplorable and selfish thinking that followed*

As time passed I got more and more angry  If the plan was different all the sudden from what the Bishop and I had discussed he should have spoken with me…. I thought callings were given as they were inspired.  It sounded to me like they just needed a warm body ….  I have served in the primary so many times.  It is EXHAUSTING most weeks - Keep still, listen to the teacher, stop hitting her, sit reverently, fold your arms, put your shirt down - it's endless and honestly the whole time I'm teaching I'm certain they aren't hearing one word that I am saying….

Primary is for the kids.  That is it's purpose.  In Relief Society if I was having a really hard day I could cry and maybe there would even be someone to comfort me.  The lessons there are for ME.  In primary you have to keep your act together, smile even if your life is a wreck, be patient when you want to scream, and at the end of the day you don't really matter- it's for the kids.  The presidency, the teachers, the lessons - they are for the kids.  No one remembers the primary teachers.  It's sad but I would wager that I don't know 80% of the primary teachers because when you teach primary you are out of sight and out of mind to the other adults in the ward….  The lessons are for the kids and I need lessons for me!  I am struggling right now with my own issues - I need church for me.  Going and fighting through a lesson of "Heavenly Father gave me hands and feet" or "Heavenly Father made the bugs and animals" isn't going to help me figure out the answers to the questions I have…. I have NO right being in there with a classroom of kids, being responsible for teaching them about the Savior who I myself don't know.  I have no right to be teaching them to pray when I struggle myself.  I have no right to be teaching them of faith when I wonder if I even have ANY.

This is what was going through my head for the days that followed.  I had panic attacks over this.  I was angry and confused.  I was convinced that I was asked to serve and there was no inspiration behind it. 

I told you it was deplorable and selfish.

As the days went on I started to think that I must seriously have missed some lessons as a child and that was why I couldn't get away from the primary.  There was something there those young kids had figured out that I hadn't. 

I started to be a little less angry but I was still so confused.  What did this mean for me?  Did it mean that I wasn't supposed to be going to the singles ward?  What about my shrink telling me over and over to meet people my own age and to date?  Was she wrong?  What was God wanting for me?

The primary president, and a friend of mine was unfortunate enough to be the recipient of some of my frustrations while I was deescalating.  She assured me that she had felt very strongly that this is where I was supposed to be.  She had told me my name was on her mind for months and despite the Bishop telling her no she felt she was supposed to keep asking.  She assured me that the kids would teach me and that I wasn't going to ruin them. 

I still wasn't so sure.

Almost a week in she text me one more time and asked simply, how about teaching the 4 year old class with Sister *****?  I literally had to catch my breath.  I was in shock.  After a second I assumed the Bishop must have been behind it but when I asked she assured me he wasn't.  The thing is, I had a history with this other sister.  The Bishop had suggested I reach out to her for a little help and I had reluctantly done so.  This particular sister was so kind to me and so friendly, I had known for months there was something I needed to learn from her.  In her emails it felt like she was speaking my foreign language.  She had experienced feelings and things I felt no one around me understood or believed.  I had found myself wishing we were friends but being my awkward self and having little self confidence I just left it at that…. Wishing we were friends but knowing I could never come out and ask someone to be my friend.  How lame would that be?  Plus, there was no way I could ask someone that because they may feel like they have to say yes and then they are stuck with me and regretting it….

I didn't share all of this with the President obviously.  She assured me the Bishop had said nothing.  She had felt strongly that I was supposed to be in the primary and teaching with this other teacher.  She in her enthusiastic way told me that it was the Spirit and it was what it was supposed to be. 

I was slowly calming down and seeing that the Lord was behind this.  He had to be.  No one else knew that I had been emailing this sister.  No one knew she was helping me.  NO one, not event the Bishop, knew I had been wishing I could befriend this other sister, I would have never shared that with anyone because I felt so stupid. 

In the end, I still don't know why I have this calling really.  I've taken a few deep breaths though and I can see that really in the end none of this is about me …. But at the same time it is.  I have learned so many principles incorrectly.  I have such a skewed understanding of the gospel at times and I probably NEED these "simple" lessons again.  I don’t know that I can for sure teach all the lessons without feeling like a hypocrite but I do know and believe with all my heart that I can and NEED to teach and remind these precious kids of the following:

1. God loves them.  No matter what.
2. They deserve to feel that. 
3. They shouldn't believe anyone who tells them or treats them otherwise.

I struggle so much with my own childhood.  I struggle so much to this day feeling like I am a disappointment and that love is conditional based on my actions.  Love isn't something that should be given and taken away based on the behavior or actions of a child.  They shouldn't ever feel shamed or rejected by those who should love them the most.  I feel a duty and a responsibility to reach out and teach and remind kids that even if they aren't being taught these messages of love and acceptance at home they have a Heavenly Father who is ALWAYS there and He doesn't love conditionally.  It's sad that I know this without any doubt to be true in the lives of these kids and I can't believe it for myself…. That is my very point though.  I wasn't taught this.   I wasn't shown this.  I didn't have this.  I will NOT let that happen to these kids if I have any thing to say about it.  They may not remember the lessons for all that they were.  They may not remember the songs, or the actual classes but I need to make sure that they know deep within themselves, because of primary, in part because of how I treat them and what I tell them, that they are loved and they matter. 

So I was wrong.  Sure I may be lost in the primary and it may be exhausting but the kids matter more than anyone in that building.  They are learning foundational truths and that can't be skipped over or taken lightly because that foundation will be all that holds them up one day.  As I sit upon my own cracked and feeble foundation, trying to survive each day, I have to do all I can to make sure that I build theirs stronger than my own because I know now more than ever they will need it. 

I pray I don't let these kids down.  I pray that while in primary the Lord will teach me what I have been missing.  I pray the kids will teach me to have their pure and perfect faith.  I pray that maybe I can make that new friend.  I pray that the Lord will tell me what to say.  I pray he gives me the patience, the understanding, and the strength to power through the days that I don’t have my own crap together but need to keep it together for the kids.  I pray that while they may only truly hear a small portion of what is being said, they remember and retain the parts that will sustain them and comfort them.  I pray as I see God's love for them that I can begin to see it and believe that it applies to me as well.  I PRAY that He will forgive me for taking so long to come around to the idea of this calling and the selfish thoughts I had along the way.    

Honestly I .... Am Learning Family Isn't Always Blood.

Honestly I.... Find that I am so very confused in social situations sometimes. A lot of it is awkwardness on my end - I know it stems from having little to no self esteem. However, in the last several years I have been privileged to have some amazing friends - not just passing or casual friendships. I have had friends who have invited me in and treated me as family. I am invited to birthdays and baptisms. I'm invited over for big parties or just fun movie nights. I've been fed, entertained, blessed and supported by these friends. GENUINELY welcomed. As I stumble awkwardly within myself - wondering what to do when these invitations present themselves those offering see it and genuinely WANT me there. They assure express their desire to have me there and assure me there is a place for me - they treat me as if I'm doing THEM a favor for just being there when it is so obvious that it is the other way around. The thing is though, it's not hollow. They mean it.

As I was at one such event this evening I was blown away by the kindness and acceptance extended to me by extended family as well. I wasn't treated like the one random person in the room not related to anyone there. I was given a seat among them all, included in conversations with them all, and THANKED even for sitting with THEM.

It wasn't just tonight either. As I go to many events with my closest friends their family goes out of their way to ask how I am, what is new…. They include me. I don't know exactly how to pinpoint the part of all of this that makes me confused. I guess in the end it's not as if I have done anything or offered anything to my friends extended family, yet I'm never left out or questioned as to my attendance and purpose there. I am treated in such a way that I almost forget I'm not related.

Over the years as I've struggled to find a place in my own family, I am blown away by how quickly a space is made for me in another's. My family is made up of some great people but I see that to them family is blood and the doors aren't really open to outsiders. It's not ok to bring a friend to dinner. I understand at the end of the day I don't hold a permanent space in these families who welcome me in. I'm not standing in on anyone else's family group photos any time soon, but I am treated with kindness and genuine acceptance.

Being outside of my family a little more I am learning that there is love to go around. I'm seeing where I need to be more open and more aware of others - Just as I receive this love and acceptance I need to give it. While there are obvious moments where it isn't as appropriate to extend the walls of one's family I see in my own story the possibilities and the circumstances where opening the doors to a stranger or a friend may mean that they are feeling an acceptance and a love that they aren't getting anywhere else.

As I grow and change and have made friends and opened my heart to others allowing myself to be brave and accept these invitations I am learning more and more that there are people who are truly good and kind and through this I am starting to see that I have places in others lives. I am valued and as such I need to stop and see that it's ok to accept a place within other's open arms.

I don't have to feel bad for being invited…. I don't need to excuse my presence because no one is asking me to…. What a relief it is to be invited, to be accepted and to be loved. What a relief it is to begin to see that I am allowed to let it happen.

Honestly I .... A New Year

Honestly I really struggle with New Years. All the things I failed to do in the previous year weigh heavily on my mind. I become overwhelmed by all the things I feel I need to do in the coming year. And worst of all the disappointment I feel 2 days or 2 weeks into the new year when I've already messed up and the goals are out the window. It's inevitable. You are going to miss a day. There will be a night you don't feel good, a week that is so busy you just don't have time, a day or a month where you are just discouraged and go into survival mode - survival mode, when you have nothing left to offer to the challenges before you and the lofty goals hanging over you - not until you rest for a time. A more positive person may just suggest that you brush it off and try again the next day - for me, well it isn't so simple. Maybe it is OCD, maybe it's because I have no patience for myself but I really struggle when that perfect streak ends, when I miss a day - It feels as if one mistake invalidates the entire attempt so maybe it starts to feel like there is no point in setting any goals in the first place. I'm no writer. My mind often goes 10 times faster than I can put into words - I'm not a motivational, feel good, positive being - I'm working on it but it's not looking like it'll be achieved in this lifetime. But I am going to try to look past my negative thoughts on the new year and all of the expectations that come with that one switch on the clock, the minute that drops us right back at the beginning - I'm going to try to do things differently. My plan is to write about my experiences and the things I learn along the way here in this blog. Maybe someone reads it and it helps them - most likely it's for me - somewhere to let my thoughts go, to release the pressure that builds up when they have no where to go - a place for me to hopefully gain a better perspective over time as I reflect on life - In addition, I allowed myself to find a project to start in this new year, a resolution if you will, and one that I hope strengthens me and changes me in the 364 days ahead until that clock once again sets us back at the start.

When bad things happen, when I'm really hurting, it tends to stick and it's really hard to shake. Good things are there, I know they are, but they are sometimes forgotten far too easily when the pain comes back. So this year I am collecting a box of "treasures" if you will. Though out the year, I want to fill it with the positive things - the answered prayers, the kind words, the successful moments - so when times get tough I have them to look at. I hope that this will help me keep a more positive perspective. What is great is it doesn't require I find something everyday - though I'm sure there is a greater good that comes from seeking positive in each day - for this particular venture I have a freedom to add to the box as I can (and hopefully as time goes, the frequency of entries increases as I learn to see things in a better light) and to draw from the light in the box when things are dark.