Honestly I .... A New Year

Honestly I really struggle with New Years. All the things I failed to do in the previous year weigh heavily on my mind. I become overwhelmed by all the things I feel I need to do in the coming year. And worst of all the disappointment I feel 2 days or 2 weeks into the new year when I've already messed up and the goals are out the window. It's inevitable. You are going to miss a day. There will be a night you don't feel good, a week that is so busy you just don't have time, a day or a month where you are just discouraged and go into survival mode - survival mode, when you have nothing left to offer to the challenges before you and the lofty goals hanging over you - not until you rest for a time. A more positive person may just suggest that you brush it off and try again the next day - for me, well it isn't so simple. Maybe it is OCD, maybe it's because I have no patience for myself but I really struggle when that perfect streak ends, when I miss a day - It feels as if one mistake invalidates the entire attempt so maybe it starts to feel like there is no point in setting any goals in the first place. I'm no writer. My mind often goes 10 times faster than I can put into words - I'm not a motivational, feel good, positive being - I'm working on it but it's not looking like it'll be achieved in this lifetime. But I am going to try to look past my negative thoughts on the new year and all of the expectations that come with that one switch on the clock, the minute that drops us right back at the beginning - I'm going to try to do things differently. My plan is to write about my experiences and the things I learn along the way here in this blog. Maybe someone reads it and it helps them - most likely it's for me - somewhere to let my thoughts go, to release the pressure that builds up when they have no where to go - a place for me to hopefully gain a better perspective over time as I reflect on life - In addition, I allowed myself to find a project to start in this new year, a resolution if you will, and one that I hope strengthens me and changes me in the 364 days ahead until that clock once again sets us back at the start.

When bad things happen, when I'm really hurting, it tends to stick and it's really hard to shake. Good things are there, I know they are, but they are sometimes forgotten far too easily when the pain comes back. So this year I am collecting a box of "treasures" if you will. Though out the year, I want to fill it with the positive things - the answered prayers, the kind words, the successful moments - so when times get tough I have them to look at. I hope that this will help me keep a more positive perspective. What is great is it doesn't require I find something everyday - though I'm sure there is a greater good that comes from seeking positive in each day - for this particular venture I have a freedom to add to the box as I can (and hopefully as time goes, the frequency of entries increases as I learn to see things in a better light) and to draw from the light in the box when things are dark.