Honestly I…. Didn't
want to be called to the Primary.
I have had a handful
of callings over the years and almost all of them have been in the
Primary. Most recently I had one of the
easiest callings you could probably have - I coordinated the Sacrament meeting
programs. 10 minutes on the computer
each week, 10 minutes making copies and I was done. As small as the calling may seem, I found I
felt very appreciated and valued as I did my little task each week.
2 weeks ago, I was
asked to go and meet with one of the counselors in the Bishopric. For those of you who have been in this spot,
you know there is only one reason why you would be receiving such a phone call. I was pretty surprised to even get the
initial text. Why on earth would they be
giving me a different calling? I had the
calling I was doing for a very specific reason, it had been hand picked for me
by the Bishop to ensure that I had the freedom and ability to attend a singles
ward as often as I wanted to. I was so
confused when I was asked later that morning to be a primary teacher. Where did that come from!?!? Not only did it mean that I would need to be
at my ward EVERY week and for all 3 hours but it contradicted the plans that I
had discussed with the Bishop at length…..
I asked this bishopric member
why me? I know his answer was based more
on personality than anything but he said to me "If you are going to be
going to another ward than you can just move your records and have a calling
there…. But you have been here every week for a long time so the Bishop just
figured if you are going to be here we could use you." Now at the time that was NOT what I needed to
hear. I stress that it isn't his fault,
he doesn't know me and my circumstances.
To anyone who doesn't know me and my reasons for being in that ward I'm
sure they wonder why I'm still there given my move out of the boundaries over a
year ago. He also made it so cut and
dry…. It's simple, are you going to do it or not? I felt trapped and I began to panic. It wasn't a simple question. I had a billion and one concerns. I told him I'd do it but left with a knot in
my stomach. I was taught to never turn
down a calling. I understand the reason for this counsel. I know that the Lord
sees far beyond my own line of sight and I can't comprehend what lies ahead so
who am I to say the direction I'm being asked to take is wrong. It just didn't make sense though and honestly
I was saying yes because I felt I had to …. And I wasn't happy about it.
*Brace yourself to
be exposed to the deplorable and selfish thinking that followed*
As time passed I got
more and more angry If the plan was
different all the sudden from what the Bishop and I had discussed he should
have spoken with me…. I thought callings were given as they were inspired. It sounded to me like they just needed a warm
body …. I have served in the primary so
many times. It is EXHAUSTING most weeks
- Keep still, listen to the teacher, stop hitting her, sit reverently, fold
your arms, put your shirt down - it's endless and honestly the whole time I'm
teaching I'm certain they aren't hearing one word that I am saying….
Primary is for the
kids. That is it's purpose. In Relief Society if I was having a really
hard day I could cry and maybe there would even be someone to comfort me. The lessons there are for ME. In primary you have to keep your act
together, smile even if your life is a wreck, be patient when you want to
scream, and at the end of the day you don't really matter- it's for the
kids. The presidency, the teachers, the
lessons - they are for the kids. No one
remembers the primary teachers. It's sad
but I would wager that I don't know 80% of the primary teachers because when
you teach primary you are out of sight and out of mind to the other adults in
the ward…. The lessons are for the kids
and I need lessons for me! I am
struggling right now with my own issues - I need church for me. Going and fighting through a lesson of
"Heavenly Father gave me hands and feet" or "Heavenly Father
made the bugs and animals" isn't going to help me figure out the answers
to the questions I have…. I have NO right being in there with a classroom of
kids, being responsible for teaching them about the Savior who I myself don't
know. I have no right to be teaching
them to pray when I struggle myself. I
have no right to be teaching them of faith when I wonder if I even have ANY.
This is what was
going through my head for the days that followed. I had panic attacks over this. I was angry and confused. I was convinced that I was asked to serve and
there was no inspiration behind it.
I told you it was
deplorable and selfish.
As the days went on
I started to think that I must seriously have missed some lessons as a child
and that was why I couldn't get away from the primary. There was something there those young kids
had figured out that I hadn't.
I started to be a
little less angry but I was still so confused.
What did this mean for me? Did it
mean that I wasn't supposed to be going to the singles ward? What about my shrink telling me over and over
to meet people my own age and to date?
Was she wrong? What was God
wanting for me?
The primary
president, and a friend of mine was unfortunate enough to be the recipient of
some of my frustrations while I was deescalating. She assured me that she had felt very
strongly that this is where I was supposed to be. She had told me my name was on her mind for
months and despite the Bishop telling her no she felt she was supposed to keep
asking. She assured me that the kids would
teach me and that I wasn't going to ruin them.
I still wasn't so
sure.
Almost a week in she
text me one more time and asked simply, how about teaching the 4 year old class
with Sister *****? I literally had to
catch my breath. I was in shock. After a second I assumed the Bishop must have
been behind it but when I asked she assured me he wasn't. The thing is, I had a history with this other
sister. The Bishop had suggested I reach
out to her for a little help and I had reluctantly done so. This particular sister was so kind to me and
so friendly, I had known for months there was something I needed to learn from
her. In her emails it felt like she was
speaking my foreign language. She had
experienced feelings and things I felt no one around me understood or
believed. I had found myself wishing we
were friends but being my awkward self and having little self confidence I just
left it at that…. Wishing we were friends but knowing I could never come out
and ask someone to be my friend. How
lame would that be? Plus, there was no
way I could ask someone that because they may feel like they have to say yes
and then they are stuck with me and regretting it….
I didn't share all
of this with the President obviously.
She assured me the Bishop had said nothing. She had felt strongly that I was supposed to
be in the primary and teaching with this other teacher. She in her enthusiastic way told me that it
was the Spirit and it was what it was supposed to be.
I was slowly calming
down and seeing that the Lord was behind this.
He had to be. No one else knew
that I had been emailing this sister. No
one knew she was helping me. NO one, not
event the Bishop, knew I had been wishing I could befriend this other sister, I
would have never shared that with anyone because I felt so stupid.
In the end, I still
don't know why I have this calling really.
I've taken a few deep breaths though and I can see that really in the
end none of this is about me …. But at the same time it is. I have learned so many principles
incorrectly. I have such a skewed
understanding of the gospel at times and I probably NEED these
"simple" lessons again. I
don’t know that I can for sure teach all the lessons without feeling like a
hypocrite but I do know and believe with all my heart that I can and NEED to
teach and remind these precious kids of the following:
- God loves them. No matter what.
- They deserve to feel that.
- They shouldn't believe anyone who tells them or treats them otherwise.
I struggle so much
with my own childhood. I struggle so
much to this day feeling like I am a disappointment and that love is
conditional based on my actions. Love
isn't something that should be given and taken away based on the behavior or
actions of a child. They shouldn't ever
feel shamed or rejected by those who should love them the most. I feel a duty and a responsibility to reach
out and teach and remind kids that even if they aren't being taught these
messages of love and acceptance at home they have a Heavenly Father who is
ALWAYS there and He doesn't love conditionally.
It's sad that I know this without any doubt to be true in the lives of
these kids and I can't believe it for myself…. That is my very point
though. I wasn't taught this. I wasn't shown this. I didn't have this. I will NOT let that happen to these kids if I
have any thing to say about it. They may
not remember the lessons for all that they were. They may not remember the songs, or the
actual classes but I need to make sure that they know deep within themselves,
because of primary, in part because of how I treat them and what I tell them,
that they are loved and they matter.
So I was wrong. Sure I may be lost in the primary and it may
be exhausting but the kids matter more than anyone in that building. They are learning foundational truths and
that can't be skipped over or taken lightly because that foundation will be all
that holds them up one day. As I sit
upon my own cracked and feeble foundation, trying to survive each day, I have
to do all I can to make sure that I build theirs stronger than my own because I
know now more than ever they will need it.
I pray I don't let
these kids down. I pray that while in
primary the Lord will teach me what I have been missing. I pray the kids will teach me to have their
pure and perfect faith. I pray that
maybe I can make that new friend. I pray
that the Lord will tell me what to say.
I pray he gives me the patience, the understanding, and the strength to
power through the days that I don’t have my own crap together but need to keep
it together for the kids. I pray that
while they may only truly hear a small portion of what is being said, they
remember and retain the parts that will sustain them and comfort them. I pray as I see God's love for them that I
can begin to see it and believe that it applies to me as well. I PRAY that He will forgive me for taking so
long to come around to the idea of this calling and the selfish thoughts I had
along the way.
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